Thanks, I needed that

A Good Sign

Today, I got up off my arse and did some things around here. "Oh", you might say, "And why should we be so impressed by that?" Because I haven't done anything around here in weeks.  So today, I got busy.

1. I did 7 loads of laundry, including two down jackets, all the dog beds, my sheets and blankets, my gym clothes and towels, and the normal laundry.
2. I took stock of my food situation and made a meal plan for the week.
3. I made soup and stuffed peppers .
4. I dug out around the sump pump so it will work properly when this big rain/sleet storm begins tomorrow.
5. I ran the dog.  Twice.
6. I downloaded pictures and dealt with them.  I answered emails.
7. I vacuumed the whole house.  
8. I had to dicker with the clothes dryer because it was acting up.
9. I blogged.
10. I filled up the bird feeders. 
11. I took out the composting.
12. I did mountains of dishes and put them all away.
13. I made my lunch and set out clothes for tomorrow.  My gym bag is packed and ready to go.
14. I gathered up some things to take to the food pantry and more clothes to the Goodwill.  They are in the car trunk and ready to go next time I swing by.
15. I cleaned the bathroom.

I also managed to relax and get ready for my work week.  :)

Res ipsa loquitur

I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore

I guess I should post more regularly.  Maybe readership will pick up again.

Boo.  :(

Massive Procrastination

Things I should be doing:

1. Running scent samples.
2. Cleaning sequencing reactions.
3. Laying tile I bought back in July in the utility room.
4. Going to the gym.
5. Making chicken salad for Eagan's birthday party tomorrow.
6. Going to the grocery store.

What am I doing instead, you ask?

Wasting time on the internet watching stuff like this:



and this:



Seriously. Can you believe it takes over 5 minutes to teach someone how to fold socks? When it only takes 38 seconds to teach them to fold a t-shirt? I love that the intro to this video says "Guys, Impress the girls!" Because I know that I'm impressed by a man's sock-drawer neatness. Although, now that I think about it, I'd probably be a little scared if I snuck a peek in a man's sock drawer and it was all organized like that. I'd be thinking "OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE", which, I might add is something I would never think about a woman based on the neatness of her sock drawer. Double standards suck.

So I decided to try it because, you know, my drawers can get as messy as the next person's. And because this blog is all about me, you, my gentle readers, are coming on the campaign trail with me as I run for mayor of Obsessive-Compulsiveville.

This is how I normally fold socks. One goes inside the other, so I always have a pair without fishing through a bunch of random socks.

And this is my sock drawer.

I'm actually quite proud of this because I have a sock problem. It seems that I never met a pair of socks I didn't like. So I got this little organizer one day and committed myself to having no more socks than would fit in the organizer. There are 32 slots in the organizer. What about it? The side trays hold my knickers as they say, another holds bandanas (more a summertime thing), and the drawers to either side hold dress socks and brassieres. Pantyhose, tights, slips and stuff I only wear to dress up events or Halloween are kept in the bathroom closet .

And here's the sock drawer after.


Now this looks nice, but is actually quite dangerous. The sock folding created space for more socks! Danger. Danger. Danger.

T-shirt drawer before.

This actually isn't bad. Just last week I went through and did a major purge of clothing that I don't wear and an entire laundry basket of clothes is sitting in the den waiting on a trip to the Goodwill. But hey, I'm going with this project, so I'm following through.

T-shirt drawer after.
It used up half the space after the Japanese folding technique. Damn! OK, so this is dangerland, too. I'm tempted to go get some of that stuff out of the laundry basket in the other room and put it back in the drawers.


What the hell am I going to do with all this real estate? The bottom drawer of this massive antique dresser is already just holding odds and ends like an empty jewelry case, some packing cubes, some stuffed animals, etc.

Took me about 20 minutes to do the whole deal, including watching the videos, learning the techniques and re-folding my clothes. Granted, I didn't go to great lengths to deal with wrinkles and what not, but hey! At least I accomplished something this afternoon.

Aerial Exploration

I admit it.  I love winter.  I love the way snow accents and highlights and draws the eye to things unseen in summer.  Oh, the cold gets to me sometimes, but the older I get, the less I find myself wishing the time away to more pleasant seasons.  The day we took these pictures over the Rio Grande, the wind whipped at our coats.  The bridge was largely empty.  It was viciously cold up there.  But when I look at these pictures and I think of the company I enjoyed that day, I'm glad the memory of the stinging cold stays with me.  I'm glad I can remember the way the sun made me squint.  I'm glad I remember two expectant dog faces in the car windows welcoming us back and wondering why they couldn't get out this time.  When I think of Liv's incredible focus on roadside plants when we crested that gorge, as if there was nothing more interesting up there than the place she parked to gather scent one day in late summer, I laugh.  Up there.  Where the world opens up into a high, lonesome plain, made all the more amazing by the knowledge that a crevice in the Earth awaits the one who stumbles around in the dark.  It was blissfully amusing. 

And then there was this view.  And the angle of the shadows.

 And the glow of the waning sun on the water.

 Honestly, it was magical. 

And this is also what I remember. The one who brought me here.

Liv, you have a gift for transforming people's lives.

One gorge at a time.

Thanks.

Plateaus suck

So when I actually look back at my weight log, I did okay in 2010.  I even survived the holidays.  Between 11/19 and 12/31, I actually lost 9.8 lbs.  However, in the first 3 weeks of January, I have lost only 2 pounds.  Since I did a little bit of cheating around the holidays, and survived my big New Mexico trip without gaining any weight, I consider this a bit frustrating.

The only difference between December and January has been my level of exercise.  While in NM, I twisted my knee and haven't been in the gym like I usually have.  In fact, I think I've only been to the three times in January.  However, there were extended closures of the gym in December and days that I couldn't make it there during the 3 hours they were open.  So I can't believe that exercise is the big difference here.

I think I've hit my first plateau.  Time to re-examine the diet.  Have I gotten lazy?  Have my portion sizes increased?  Am I cheating here and there?  Yes, I had a piece of chocolate and a coffee-flavored hard candy yesterday that I failed to track.  Oops.  So time to hunker down.  Time to be obsessive about tracking my food intake.  Time to go back to measuring everything.  Ugh.  I can't believe that the margin of error is so slim.  I'd rather get back in the gym and dedicate myself to an hour of extreme exercise than have to measure EVERYTHING.

So, on this cold January morning, I'm off for an hour of elliptical.  Research isn't going anywhere. It will be waiting on me when I get there.

A Lifetime in a Year

Today, Eagan Blain turns the big One.  What a lifetime it's been.

A mere 8 hours old

Proud Mama

Brand new baby parts

February

Memorial Day (May)

July

December

New Year's

Old Dogs

I've spent a lot of time over the last half a decade with old dogs.  I have a certain admiration for them.  I know this might sound unusual, but I miss them.  That's why I have a special place in my heart for this girl.

Mags is a great old dog.   She is slow, purposeful, and fun.  She runs and keeps up with the Jacks, but she is sore at night. She sleeps hard.  She carves out a place on the couch and no one would think to move her from her perch.  Except maybe Jack.  Those youngsters, they just don't get it.

Don't get me wrong.  Puppies and young dogs are great fun, but old dogs have lessons to teach.  They watch where they step.  The don't rush in blindly.  They teach us the value of taking our time.  And you don't even know how it happens, but one day you just realize that there's no need to bark orders or give instructions.  The two of you just know the other's ways.  They know what is expected and they do it.  And if they don't, so what?  A couple of extra treats at night?  What does it matter?

Mags is a great old dog and a classy lady.

A Year in Pictures

My Ten Most Memorable Moments of 2010

1. Saying hello to Eagan Blaine for the first time.

2. Saying goodbye to Jake for the last time.









3. The day I met this guy and realized we were meant for each other.

4. Watching my dear friend take her first steps in a new life.

 

5. Finding this on the side of the road not 30 miles north of the Mexican border and being stopped by border patrol every 10 minutes, having my car illegally searched, then being buzzed by a helicopter...all for daring to stop and smell the Abronia.

6. Laying eyes on the Grand Canyon for the first time.  Magnificent. 

7. Saying so long to this one and having to face the reality of my last year of grad school alone.  Not that I hold a grudge, mind you. I think a closer call would be that I envy her.






8. Realizing that this.....

 
is not preferable to this.

 

Even if this isn't the end of the road.

9. Getting one of these to bloom in the Midwest.

And finally......

10. Ending my year in a better place than where I started.

What a difference a year makes

January 17, 2010 and January 17, 2011.  Can you guess which pictures are from which year?

Oh yeah.  And I totally get the I need a new hairdresser thing.

Life Lists

So, I have a life list. And skiing was on it. And Liv and D-ennis and I took care of this one-word entry on the list. And it was an interesting thing, skiing. For instance, I learned that the guys who load you on the ski lift are called "Liftees" not "Lift Technicians" or "Guys Leading You to Your Death with a Smile". I also learned that D-ennis had actually been employed as a Liftee in the past. I learned about teleskiing although, honestly, I was too tired to watch Liv when she actually demonstrated any of it.

And we got these beautiful pictures. Honestly, I didn't spend all my time flat on my back. Sometimes I had my skis in the air while traveling downhill, backwards, at a high rate of speed, ski poles twirling in the air above me like I was stirring an imaginary pot, while I worked on developing an impacted snow wedgie. Damn, it was exciting.

Thanks to Liv and D-ennis for:

1) not allowing me to wipe out on the chair lift exit.
2) not allowing me to break any bones.
3) giving sufficient instruction and support so that, even if I didn't actually master skiing, I felt like I'd done well.
4) taking pictures that captured a beautiful day in the sun and the snow.

I will totally be doing this again. Just as soon as I heal up.

Boorah.

Sayonara 2010

Here is the obligatory New Year's post.  Without further ado, I bring you my New Year's results from 2010.  The objective was, as I recall, to lose weight.

I lost 35 lbs.

Success.

So, in 2010, I have two resolutions.

1.  Lose the rest of the weight and maintain a healthy weight, exercise program, and lifestyle.
2.  Graduate and find a job.

Let's hope that I have as much success in 2011 as I had in 2010.

Now, the more important thing to me, are the things I resolve to leave behind in 2010.

Those are:

1.  SIU and Carbondale.
2.  A graduate student career.
3.  Alvin M.
4.  Internet dating
5.  All that extra weight.

I find myself on New Year's Day wishing for something that isn't.  I'm extraordinarily tired of being on the outside looking in. I get that I don't fit in with the other graduate students and I don't fit in with the faculty.  I don't fault them for shunning me, but I don't have any friends my age here.  I really, really, really, really miss having someone.....anyone who relates to me.  I am tired of discovering that all my college "friends" had a wonderful evening of drinks somewhere or a great time at a party to which I wasn't invited.  The last several cohorts of students in particular have made me feel unwelcome.  It is what it is.  But honestly, I am tired of being considered overbearing and outspoken just because I'm not afraid of faculty members who are younger than me and I'm not as timid as my 23-year-old colleagues.  I am tired of wishing I had someone to join me when I go hiking, or confide in when I have a hard day.  I am tired of living in a town where I can't seem to meet anyone to date.  I am tired of having to look online for companionship.  I am tired of being all alone all the time.  I wish that things were different, but they will only be different when I leave here and get back into the workforce in a larger town.  I have to get out of here.

I don't even care if I graduate anymore.  I just can't do this place all by myself anymore.  I resolve to leave this feeling behind by changing my life now.

On turning 48

Today, I am 48 years old.

Forty-eight.

The voice rises on the first syllable and falls like an anvil on the second. Compare that to twenty-one, where the voices rises expectantly on the second. Even numbers are strong. Sturdy. Resolute. Odd numbers are lingering hopefully, always waiting for something. Even numbers are Marshall Dillon. Odd numbers are Festus. They have a hitch in their giddyup. Forty-eight. My last even year on this side of the divide. That year whose name shall not be spoken is still a long walk down the trail. Today, I am 48, and 48 is good.

I got a nice birthday treat when D-ennis let me borrow his girlfriend for a visit. We had a great evening eating, drinking, reminiscing, and baking, which just happen to be some of my favorite things. Good company makes it all the more enjoyable.

It's been a remarkable year. I saw things I could have only imagined. I traveled from south Texas, to Rhode Island, and to New Mexico. I saw the Grand Canyon. I slept in parking lots, ate out of coolers, and wore out a great pair of hiking boots. I got a new friend in Scout, and I buried my Jake. It was a time of change but a good year all in all.

I’ll admit I’m past my prime. The knees are weak. The back has seen better days. Not like Scout who merely wills Frisbees to his waiting jaws on long, effortless arcs through the air. At 48, I still get wild ideas but I need six months to prepare. I’ve marinated a bit. I’m more like artisan bread. My shining moments require forethought. Methodical kneading. Time to rise. But, when I come out of the metaphorical oven, it is a satisfying smell. It’s got substance. Oh, I can still impress myself now and again with extraordinary feats of physical prowess, but not like the old days.

I’ve survived the years of angst, the years of self-doubt, the years of anger over betrayals both real and perceived. I loved and lost. And lost and lost. And picked my ass up and tried to love again. I’ve been hard when I should have yielded. I’ve compromised when I should have held strong. I’ve ignored red flags. I’ve made spectacularly bad decisions. Some of them still make me smile. :-)

I’ve learned most of life’s lessons the hard way. I’ve learned to forgive when appropriate, forget when it’s not, and push the worst of it out of the way so at least I don’t trip on it. I’ve learned to pick my battles more carefully. I’ve learned to stay away from toxic people. I’ve learned not to give anyone power over me they haven’t earned. I’ve learned to shut up and listen. I’ve learned that life doesn’t happen to me, and that I have control over how I integrate what happens into my life. I’ve learned to accept, reluctantly at times, the hand that I’ve been dealt (because, after all, I was the dealer) and to make the best of it. I know all too well my weaknesses, my foibles, and my bad habits. I know how hard it is to overcome myself. I don’t need everyone to like me. I’ve learned when to push myself and when to throw in the towel. I’ve learned when to ask for help and how to accept it graciously. I’ve learned what and who matters, thankfully, before it was too late. I know what I am capable of, even if I don’t always know where that capacity will take me. I can trust my abilities, my judgment, and my intuition. Experience is a hard teacher, but there is a melancholy sweetness borne out of that experience. I appreciate others. I know who I am.

When I think back now on the worst times in my life, I can see that even those awful experiences contributed to the person I am today. They shaped me. And since I like who I am, scars and all, I guess I have to accept that those things were in some small way…valuable. I think this is what they mean when they say “with age comes wisdom”.

But birthday posts aren’t all about aged reflection. They are about assessing where you are now and your vision of the future. For better or worse, after 48 years, this is where I am today.

Favorite Music: I seem to switch a lot, although 70s R&B still tops the list. I love Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes, the Manhattans, the Temptations, and the Spinners. I’m also very fond of Elvis Costello, Flogging Molly, and Hootie and the Blowfish. Over the past year, I saw Willie Nelson and John Prine in concert.

My Secret Wish: To be effortlessly thin.

Favorite Food: Peanut butter and popcorn. Although, my current favorite food is Peanut Wonder (a lower-fat peanut butter substitute). Diet’s suck.

Things I Don't Like to Do: The dishes. Humor my advisor.

Greatest Accomplishment this year: Weight loss.

Most valuable lessons learned early:

People very rarely lie to you when they look you in the eyes.

The least among you is your equal. Same goes for the greatest among you.

I can say no, stick to my guns, and people will still like me.

Most valuable lessons learned late:

At my age, people are single for a reason. If you meet someone and can’t figure out why they are single, just wait for it. It will appear and when it does, you’ll go, “Aaaah, there it is.”

I am single for a reason. I know what that reason is, but you don’t need to…unless you want to date me.

Excess weight is a tremendously effective man deterrent, which is fine, you know, if you actually want to deter a man. Otherwise, not so much.

Coping mechanisms can outlive their usefulness. Unfortunately, by then they are often habits and habits can be very hard to break.

Something I firmly believe that probably isn’t true:

That most people are doing the best they can at any given time.

Squirrely ideas I harbor:

Some things you have to earn by achieving personal goals, including North Face jackets, trips to Africa, and soft pretzels. It makes no sense, but thems the rules.

Stuff few others would know about me:

I chew almost everything on the left side of my mouth. I have no idea why.

When presented with a plate of food, I eat the thing I like least first. I do this with tasks as well. I get the worst part of the job out of the way first.

Banjos and yodeling make me happy. Violins stir my soul.

My favorite Christmas carol is We Three Kings. I love baritone voices.

I do not believe in the supernatural. That includes heaven, God, the devil, angels, ghosts, zombies, black magic, and miracles. I can live with the world just as it appears. I think a lot of the world’s strife would disappear overnight if everyone believed as I do on this one.

Stuff few others get about me:

I’m addicted to novelty.

I like speed, descent, and adrenaline.

I do not lack for ambition. It’s just that my ambition is not focused on most people’s vision of success.

Favorite restaurant food: Currently, chicken chimichanga. I think my favorite part (since I always eat it last, is the refried beans with corn chips). Pizza is a perennial favorite.

Things that make me happy:

Driving with the windows down.

Traveling with dogs.

The West.

That moment in a long trip when it actually sinks in that you are free.

Cold, crisp, clear, sunny mornings in the mountains.

That deep blue that spreads across the sky just after sunset.

Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London. I always howl.

Things I wish I could master:

Tolerance, patience, the violin, dancing, and the French language.

Things I've got in mind for the coming year:

Meet Jahi. Meet Roo. Have my picture taken next to a giant redwood. Visit at least one foreign country. Visit Scott and Sue. Whale watch. Camp a few nights in the desert. Finish the job on this weight loss.

Favorite day of the year:

The first really warm day of spring.

Things I Miss:

Double-double animal style, ice cold Coca Cola in a glass bottle, camping in the desert, Jake, Nevada, Dakota, Olivia, Melissa, Suzan, Scott, Jahi, Josh, Kristal, reading for pleasure, free time, bread soaked in olive oil and Parmesan, most cheeses, cooking, and having a man in my life.

Stuff I’ve noticed:

If people worked as hard to find me a date as they did finding me a dog after Jake’s death, I’d be in a successful relationship by now.

Dogs are wonderful companions. In many ways, they trump humans. But I still want a man.

Most of my clothes are dark blue, dark green, or maroon or red, but my favorite shirt is pink.

I spend more time agonizing over hiking shoes than I did over my wedding dress.

I must have something to look forward to. Otherwise, I’m irritable and lost.

Things I’m looking forward to: Graduation, climbing a mountain, snow skiing (snowboarding?), steady employment and a livable paycheck, with hope, meeting someone special

Regrets?

I have a few. Would I do it all the same again?

Hell no.

I’d do it bigger. Faster. Louder. Sooner. And I’d take more pictures.

I am Daktari. Forty-eight. On a screaming roller coaster toward 50 but not half done yet. Oh, no. Not even close.

Remember me?

Maybe you remember me? I'm the one who had the bright idea that I'd be able to blog, do my work, play on Facebook, read my email, and scour the vast internets for new cooking ideas--all through my 3G mobile network.

Yeah. That worked.

So I bit the bullet, squeezed some blood out of my budget and got the slightly-less-than-speed-of-light internet package from my cable-internet company and here I am.

But even then, I've been sort of ignoring this blog. Oh, I've enjoyed your many posts. In fact, I would actually get incensed on days when NONE of you post something for my entertainment. The nerve of me! OK. Enough is enough. It's my turn. But first....let's catch up.

It's December again, and if you guys find Sherman and Mister Peabody and take the Wayback Machine to last January, you'll remember that my New Year's Resolutions (both of them) were to get in shape and stay there. So, I dutifully began a weight loss-exercise program in January and did pretty good right up until the field season began in April. Then, I basically took the summer off. I had lost about 20 lbs and put seven of it back on by August. In September, my sister (without asking ME, I might add) signed me up for Weight Watchers. WW gives you an allotment of points per day and you can use them as you see fit. On the up side, I will say it works, which is basically what I'm looking for in a diet program. And it's true that there is no food off limits. After 10 weeks on the program, they did a complete overhaul and revamped their points algorithm. No problem, I thought. I live for change.

BUT.

One would think that I should be able to eat the same foods I was eating before (and losing weight) on the new program. Oh contraire. Transfer my old diet to the new program and I was over my points allotment every single day. In addition, that claim that you can eat any food you want is a bit disingenuous because it is virtually impossible to follow the program and eat any bread product without starving for the rest of the day. I kid you not. Two slices of even the lowest calorie bread on the market take up such a chunk of your daily "points" that you will go hungry. Contrast this to the program they had in place a week ago on which I had a sandwich every single day--and still lost weight! They have made some concessions. I can fit more meat and beans into my diet and they give you fruits and vegetables for free. I still suspect if I ate bananas everyday, that the diet wouldn't work, but I'm willing to give the program a chance. I will be quite upset if I plateau because of these changes. (It's all fine and well to change a program to integrate new research, but if it slows down progress for people WHO ARE PAYING FOR IT, that seems like gouging.) This feels like the South Beach Diet now. I have done the South Beach Diet and it works, too. My thing is, if I wanted the South Beach Diet, I can do that on my own.

I guess the positive thing from the entire Weight Watchers program has been my self-realization that I'm pretty good at losing weight, but I'm even better at packing it back on. I don't really need someone to hold my hand through the weight loss process (I seem to have a sufficient amount of willpower and self-motivation). My problem is that I have no idea how to go off a diet and not gain weight. What I need is help in maintaining a healthy weight and that is why I am sticking with Weight Watchers. Once you become a "lifetime member", you no longer pay as long as your weight remains within two pounds of your lifetime goal. I want to get to the free stuff.

I can't say I'm thrilled about the brand new changes they made but who is every really happy about dieting? In any event, I've been following the Weight Watchers program (old and new) and have gotten back into the gym for regular exercise. By regular, I mean shooting or 5 hours a week, and usually getting at least three to four. For my exercise, I have concentrated on elliptical machines. They are a good aerobic workout and with my still mending hairline-fractured tibia, something I can do without jolting the hell out of my leg. Plus, this girl in New Mexico convinced me that I need to learn to ski. She's always getting me into trouble. Like that time she convinced me that what we really needed to do was poke a Mojave green rattlesnake. You know. To get a good picture.

So I have been researching, teaching, exercising, dieting, and playing with Scout dog. It's been a busy fall. Thanks for not giving up on me. I promise I'll do better with the blog.

Blah

That's how I've felt lately. Just....blah. It all started about 3 weeks ago when I realized that I had run out of reagents I needed to finish the work I was busting my ass to finish.

And all the air rushed out of my balloon. And then I moped around for a bit. I tried to figure out what to do. I waited for my trip to Chicago to see my brother. I moped around Chicago for a bit. I had a terribly non-productive date (can dates BE non-productive???) while there. My whole life seemed to be turning into this big...MEH.

D was in desperate need of getting her groove back.

And I only just got my mojo back this week. Tuesday, in fact. I don't know what happened, but I managed to drag myself to the gym and after that was my meeting, and suddenly, I felt like I could at least approach the horse again.

So I made a decision to spend what I had to spend, get the damn internet back so I wasn't playing Howard Hughes anymore, and get my life and career back.

And so, that is how I came to be in the lab on a Thursday evening of a holiday. It was a beautiful day today. At least I took my time getting here today.

Next Tuesday, I have so much to catch you up on.