Avoidant Personality? Meet Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

D-friend Bek is going through a hard time. She and her husband are having problems. She called me up tonight and told me they had a fight about pizza, he packed up a bag and went to stay at his mother's. Bek called me in tears today because her husband claimed he has filed for a divorce.

Ok, just between us chickens, this guy needs to grow some damn cajones and kick his fucking mommy out of his marriage, go home and deal with his wife.

Ahem. I just had to get that out.

We all know the problem may be about a lot of things, but it sure as hell isn't pizza. The last fight before the breakup rarely has anything to do with the problem. Because the problem has become the way the two people view one another and the habit they have adopted for dealing with one another. It has to do with who has their ear and what sort of nonsense outsiders are feeding them. It also has a great deal to do with the way people deal with stress.

Some people deal with stress on the spot. That's Bek's M.O. and I'd have to guess that also is mine. I mean, I've tried to figure out how I deal with stress. Ok, I bitch a lot. That is to say that I lean on friends and vent. I think venting has its merits. Bek has been venting a lot lately. I just sit and listen. Sometimes that is all it takes to be helpful. By the way, all you people who listen to me vent? Thanks, dude(s). But in my more intimate relationships, I'm not likely to let it build up. I stand up for myself. I don't allow people to walk all over me. I don't think it is healthy for a relationship to allow anyone to get into a habit of treating me poorly, so I point out when I think I'm being treated poorly. The other person can fall in line or move their happy ass on down the line. But not everyone deals with problems like me and Bek. Some people avoid their problems like the plague. My brother is one of those. Apparently, so is Bek's husband. He'd rather get a divorce than even have the conversation about why he is unhappy. People like me and Bek have problems dealing with people like my brother and her husband.

People who avoid conflict at all costs can't deal with an honest examination of the problem. In general, they also can't deal with the fact that the conflict may arise out of their own behavior. I have noticed the most unusual thing when dealing with avoidant personalities. When you call a turd a turd and tell them that this is, in fact, their turd, they tend to look away and say, "hey, there's a much larger turd over there (gesticulating wildly) and that turd is YOUR TURD."

And if you tell them you aren't talking about THAT TURD at the moment, but this turd right here, they will begin to generate a map, with amazing detail, of all the turds in the yard that belong to you.

Because, avoidant personalities can't have the problem be about them. They will wiggle and squirm and justify and deflect and the only thing you can do is nail their happy asses to the wall and walk away. At least, I haven't found a reasonable way to deal with them.

And in trying to accommodate a person who can't deal with conflict is frustrating. I mean, how are you supposed to deal with problems with someone who can't even deal with the fact that there is a problem? And if you insist on talking about the problem, they feel cornered, and either get angry and lash out or cry? I just sit there mystified in such situations. I have no Plan B. I have no idea how to approach the problem other than my way of approaching problems. So when I can't, I find myself doing things like writing about the problem over and over over and over.......and re-writing about it over and over .....and writing emails to the person that I will never send, and obsessing about it. And how do I know this? Because that is where I am now. And you are witnessing an example of it right here in this post. I can't have the conversation with the person with whom I'm in conflict and so I'm writing everything I'd like to say to them here. Stress is like water. It will find a way out.

Which brings me to my problem. I'm involved in a work relationship that has become entirely dysfunctional because I am dealing with an avoidant personality. Normally work relationships are low on my radar, but this one can't be because it is with my advisor. In relationship terms, we need to break up. It is time to move on. Recognize that the relationship isn't salvageable. We are simply incompatible. Problem is, I'm not ready to graduate . So the state of the relationship is that there is a lot of seething and bad feelings (mostly on my part), and I get pissed at the sight of her. Amazingly enough, she seems to be blissfully unaware of how she is treating me and how it is making me feel.

That part is my fault. Well, it is and it isn't. When someone with whom you have worked for nearly 5 years and with whom you thought you had a good working relationship suddenly begins 1) making fun of you, 2) accusing you of unbelievable and unfounded offenses, and 3) treating you like a second-class citizen relative to the others around you, well, excuse me for being caught off guard. When these things have happened, I have basically stood there with my chin on the floor in disbelief. And when you don't speak up right away, the moment has passed. Do you bring it up later? Will you be able to do so calmly? Is later the best time or is immediately the best time? Those who know me know that I am unlikely to handle that "later" conversation well. Especially after the offense against me has had time to sink in and fester. Which leaves me where I am. Pissed and muted.

And all of that is, in fact, why she thinks our relationship is aces. She tools through life making extraordinarily inappropriate comments, catching people off guard and because no one speaks up, she thinks there isn't a problem. Add to this the complex mix of advisor-graduate student relations of academic life and we are talking about a potentially career-changing problem. I have learned to tolerate things in graduate school that I NEVER would have tolerated in normal life. I sort of accepted that I'm her bitch until I graduate. So despite an exceptional 5-year relationship history, I find myself powerless when she decides that being nice isn't a professional courtesy of which I'm deserving.

It wasn't always like this. Oh, we've had a bobble or two. And the bobbles that I didn't let pass--like when she took a 6-week hiatus and I couldn't get any work done for lack of supplies--I found her completely unwilling to hear that she was the cause of my troubles. In her world, nothing bad that ever happens has her hand in it. And I have let a great deal pass. I didn't sweat the small stuff. I didn't sweat some of the medium sized stuff. In fact, there were some real whoppers that I should have sweated, that I didn't. Because, you know, I always felt that this person had my best interests at heart. I no longer think that. When you realize that someone is not simply blissfully incompetent, or potentially professionally negligent, but openly manipulative, well, that's the moment when your tolerance tops out. Which is exactly where D's bullshit meter remains.

The icing on the cake is that, lately, she has taken to insulting me in public. She has made comments about my ability to interact with children. She has made comments about my love interests. She has been trying to defend her actions by saying that sometimes advisors have to say the hard truths. What sorts of opportunities I pursue, how I spend my leisure time, what rocks my boat is ultimately none of her fucking business.

I live by one mantra. Do unto others. I wouldn't dream of offering my advisor unsolicited career advice or making fun of her interests. Neither would I ask my advisor for life advice because--honestly--I'm not a fan of her judgement. Her life is certainly not a model for mine. And I don't mean to suggest there is anything wrong with her life, but I don't want that to be the path mine takes. She has led a sheltered life. She doesn't know the pressures of divorce, or murder attempts, or five-figure student loans. She doesn't know a world where there is no one to help you when you are going through a hard time. I'd hazard she's never been homeless. Her life has been a virtual cake walk compared to mine. I have had quarries-full more experience than her and I can't think of a single judgement that she could offer that I would give greater weight than my own. I worked in the world for 15 years BEFORE I came to school. She's been out of school for 5. One job. At a second tier school. Yeah. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat for THAT career advice. In fact, when I have opted to listen to her advice, it has rarely gone well for me.

So instead of apologizing (which would have been the humane thing to do), she chose to defend her actions as some sort of self-help program for D. A self-help program that I neither asked for nor desired. In any event, this recent habit of talking to me like I'm some sort of young punk and putting me down at will and in public has destroyed my faith in and respect for her. I am angry. I am incensed, in fact. And I am afraid that I am going to unload on her and it is not going to go well. At this point, I just want to finish and get the hell out. And if she could keep the fucking insulting comments to herself in the mean time, well that would be gravy.

What I am not is confused. I'm not really sweating the "why is she doing this" because honestly I don't give a flying fuck. I just know that if she doesn't stop there are going to be repercussions. I am not going to put up with this crap much longer. I'm at the point where I could care less about accommodating her conflict resolution style. One more comment blasting me out of the water and fur is going to fly. I can't tell you at this point whether I will handle it well or handle it ill. I guess we'll both have to wait and see.

So yeah, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, particularly toxic relationships. What makes relationships toxic I think has less to do with the circumstances than the personalities and how those personalities mesh. When you find yourself in a sphere with a personality that is incompatible with your own, my experience is that the best course of action is to get away from one another as quickly as possible. Some relationships can not be salvaged. And certainly one where the mere thought of having to deal with the other person gives you heartburn is one of them.

Has anyone seen my Rolaids?

A Different Take of Racial Politics

Although these posts are in chronological order, I highly encourage you to read the first post first. Don't worry. I'll be waiting for you here when you return.

And now for Post 2. To refresh our collective memories. A very qualified minority student applied for an undergraduate position in our lab. At least some portion of the time, I would be working with this student worker. So, as might be expected, the professor has asked my opinion about the applicants. Keep in mind that this is not my hire. It is not my decision, and I can only act in an advisory capacity here. It turns out, the professor is experiencing some internal conflict about her desire to hire a former student of mine (see post 1) or to seriously consider this qualified African American student. Now, the thing that I have left out of the discussion above (and below) is that the minority who applied for a job in our lab is 20-something, accomplished, and rather handsome. I saw him for a total of about 30 seconds today. Knowing nothing more than this person was applying for the job in our lab (and as yet knowing nothing about his qualifications) D-advisor remarked that D would tell her to hire this individual because he was a handsome black man. I told her I wouldn't mind working alongside a handsome black man. Then she commented that perhaps she shouldn't hire this applicant because....

wait for it....

D wouldn't leave this individual alone, sexually-speaking.

Excuse me while I have a major WTF moment.

How did we get from point A to point B? You can't begin to imagine how entertaining I find it when the qualities that I find sexually attractive in the opposite sex become valid for disqualifying job applicants. By all means, hire the buck-toothed, fat, white slob with his butt crack showing. Because then and only then will D be able to keep her hands to herself. Is it just me? Or do you people out there love when this shit happens to you? What? You mean this shit DOESN"T happen to you?

When I pointed out that I don't date anyone under 40, she said she wasn't sure she trusted me anyway.

*crickets*

Now there is funny and then there is way the fuck over the line. Where do you think this falls? Is it in the "Ha, Ha, Ha, Let's make fun of D's outside-the-box sexual interests"? Or is this in the "Let's accuse D of being completely incapable of acting in a professional, legal, and moral manner with certain members of the community"? I think it is not only firmly in the second category, it is indicative of a growing habit by this person to publicly attack my character out of freakin' nowhere. This faculty heard that I date African American men, so in the presence of an African American man both he and I would be completely unable to control our sexual urges, regardless of how inappropriate such advances might be. I mean, the ramifications of her actually believing that are extraordinary for me as a professional. Is this the person I want writing letters of recommendation for me as a graduate?

I thought to mention that I don't JUST date African American men, but that I ALSO date African American men, but then I thought, "how is that relevant to this discussion? It's not."

I may have mentioned that this person has made over-the-line-comments about me in the past. About three or four months ago, she and I finally had to have a talk about a comment she made that indicated she didn't think I was appropriate for a job working with children that I ultimately got. Though she had no reason to suspect that I wouldn't excel at the job, her feeling was that I wasn't appropriate for it.

I have wracked my brain to think of any reason that this person would have to seriously believe I possess any of the character flaws that she has accused me of. I mean, she has never seen me teach. She has never seen me interact with children. She has certainly never seen me interact with African Americans, male or female, students or love interests.

And let's not forget for a minute that there is a highly qualified job seeker in this story. Let's not forget that he scarcely made it out of the lab before the comments about his race came up. Let's not forget that I have never heard anyone comment on any of the other applicant's races. Is it fair in any way to this guy that he might not get considered for a position because someone in the lab just happens to find members of his race attractive? Do I deserve the burden that she has placed on me?

Let's break it down. While the other leading applicant is a white male, and the other lab members are white females interested in white men, only when a minority student shows up does she feel the need to raise issues of sexual tension between lab workers? And what prompted this? I must admit, at first I tried to see the humor in this interaction. But the more it sunk it, the more disturbing it became to me. Let me run through some of the things that were running through my mind as she spoke.

Does she think I'm sexually promiscuous? Does she believe that I am incapable of dealing in a professional manner with African Americans? Have I ever led anyone to believe that I do anything except behave in a strictly professional manner with my co-workers? Does she think I'm a pervert? Was this her way of telling me that she doesn't approve of the things I find sexually attractive? Was it a really bad attempt at humor? Was this a racist response? Where the fuck did this come from? Is she seriously going to toss this guy out of the pile because I am attracted to black men?

I decided to answer these questions.

Does she think I'm sexually promiscuous? Although I am decidedly not, I think she does believe that someone attracted to African Americans must necessarily have loose standards. For the record (as though you care) I have had a total of four dating relationships and two sexual partners in the past 9 years.

Does she believe that I am incapable of dealing in a professional manner with African Americans? Apparently so.

Have I ever led anyone to believe that I do anything except behave in a strictly professional manner with my co-workers? I have never, ever, under any circumstances commented or acted on my sexual attraction toward someone with whom I have a professional relationship, whether it is as colleague, boss-subordinate, teacher-student, or even something much less formal. I dare anyone to give me an example otherwise. *Starts humming the theme from Jeopardy* Unlike many of my peers, I do not mine the department for potential dates. In fact, I turned down the only offer of a date that came from one of my fellow grad students.

Does she think I'm a pervert? From the nature of these comments, I believe she finds interracial dating perverse and me by extension.

Was this her way of telling me that she doesn't approve of the things I find sexually attractive? I'd have to give that a big thumbs up.

Was it a really bad attempt at humor? I am sure she thinks her comments were hilarious. My question is, how serious was she about not trusting me with a black man?

Was this a racist response? I'll let you decide.

Where the fuck did this come from? Your guess is as good as mine.

Is she seriously going to toss this guy out of the pile because I am attracted to black men? I honestly have no idea.

So if there are people in this world who wonder why D's bullshit meter is full up, consider these sorts of interactions that exist as a part of my day-to-day interactions with others in a position of authority over me. We are going in to have a talk about this tomorrow. Oh yes we sure as hell are. Wish me luck.