18 June 2009

an Undeniable Downturn

You know, sometimes I just can't put a finger on what is wrong. But I am smack dab in the middle of a full-frontal funk coming on. Things should be looking up for me. New job. Pays more. New opportunities. New experiences. An entirely new year, but I'm just not feeling the love. I was told that I'm expected to fail, or at least to not do well. And it just took the air right out of my balloon. In fact, with each passing day, I feel more and more....displaced. Like an interloper. Like I've overstayed my welcome. And there is nothing more unpleasant than feeling unwelcome in your own life. Because if you can't move on, it's just a bad feeling that sticks and stinks. Like dog shit on the bottom of your shoe.

I'm in an unusual place in my life. I've never HAD to stay somewhere. If I got fed up, sick of it, feeling restless, unsatisfied....I just threw a dart at the map and away I went. But this damn education thing has me STUCK. I can't walk away. And I'm not happy here anymore. There. I said it.

I am not happy here anymore.

I think I could be happy here again if a whole series of events could miraculously undo themselves. If I could remove myself from the people who are making me feel badly. But I can't.

I keep telling myself: just another year and a half. That's all. You can do a year and a half standing on your head. I try to immerse myself in the work. And you know, that works. Only sometimes, like for these next two weeks, I have to do something other than the work that will get me the hell out of here. And I resent the interruption.

I'm getting headaches pretty regular. And heartburn. And general malaise. And melancholy. Just nothing seems to be looking up. Maybe I'm menopausal. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'm right.

I can't seem to clean my house. I can't seem to fix any food. I can't seem to do anything but the bare minimum. And sometimes, I lower the bar on the bare minimum. I want this to end.

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