Here is the obligatory New Year's post. Without further ado, I bring you my New Year's results from 2010. The objective was, as I recall, to lose weight.
I lost 35 lbs.
So, in 2010, I have two resolutions.
1. Lose the rest of the weight and maintain a healthy weight, exercise program, and lifestyle.
2. Graduate and find a job.
Let's hope that I have as much success in 2011 as I had in 2010.
Now, the more important thing to me, are the things I resolve to leave behind in 2010.
1. SIU and Carbondale.
2. A graduate student career.
3. Alvin M.
4. Internet dating
5. All that extra weight.
I find myself on New Year's Day wishing for something that isn't. I'm extraordinarily tired of being on the outside looking in. I get that I don't fit in with the other graduate students and I don't fit in with the faculty. I don't fault them for shunning me, but I don't have any friends my age here. I really, really, really, really miss having someone.....anyone who relates to me. I am tired of discovering that all my college "friends" had a wonderful evening of drinks somewhere or a great time at a party to which I wasn't invited. The last several cohorts of students in particular have made me feel unwelcome. It is what it is. But honestly, I am tired of being considered overbearing and outspoken just because I'm not afraid of faculty members who are younger than me and I'm not as timid as my 23-year-old colleagues. I am tired of wishing I had someone to join me when I go hiking, or confide in when I have a hard day. I am tired of living in a town where I can't seem to meet anyone to date. I am tired of having to look online for companionship. I am tired of being all alone all the time. I wish that things were different, but they will only be different when I leave here and get back into the workforce in a larger town. I have to get out of here.
I don't even care if I graduate anymore. I just can't do this place all by myself anymore. I resolve to leave this feeling behind by changing my life now.
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