01 January 2011

Sayonara 2010

Here is the obligatory New Year's post.  Without further ado, I bring you my New Year's results from 2010.  The objective was, as I recall, to lose weight.

I lost 35 lbs.


So, in 2010, I have two resolutions.

1.  Lose the rest of the weight and maintain a healthy weight, exercise program, and lifestyle.
2.  Graduate and find a job.

Let's hope that I have as much success in 2011 as I had in 2010.

Now, the more important thing to me, are the things I resolve to leave behind in 2010.

Those are:

1.  SIU and Carbondale.
2.  A graduate student career.
3.  Alvin M.
4.  Internet dating
5.  All that extra weight.

I find myself on New Year's Day wishing for something that isn't.  I'm extraordinarily tired of being on the outside looking in. I get that I don't fit in with the other graduate students and I don't fit in with the faculty.  I don't fault them for shunning me, but I don't have any friends my age here.  I really, really, really, really miss having someone.....anyone who relates to me.  I am tired of discovering that all my college "friends" had a wonderful evening of drinks somewhere or a great time at a party to which I wasn't invited.  The last several cohorts of students in particular have made me feel unwelcome.  It is what it is.  But honestly, I am tired of being considered overbearing and outspoken just because I'm not afraid of faculty members who are younger than me and I'm not as timid as my 23-year-old colleagues.  I am tired of wishing I had someone to join me when I go hiking, or confide in when I have a hard day.  I am tired of living in a town where I can't seem to meet anyone to date.  I am tired of having to look online for companionship.  I am tired of being all alone all the time.  I wish that things were different, but they will only be different when I leave here and get back into the workforce in a larger town.  I have to get out of here.

I don't even care if I graduate anymore.  I just can't do this place all by myself anymore.  I resolve to leave this feeling behind by changing my life now.

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